Christmas Gifts for
Tightwads
This time of year, you’ll
find lots of advice on how to make/buy inexpensive gifts
for others, but where can you go to get ideas for what to
give to those lovable skinflints in your life? Here, that’s
where! In no particular order, below are my Top Ten items
secretly craved by penny-pinchers.
A 100-Foot
Heavy Duty Garden Hose: Trust me, I know this to be true!
Your parsimonious pal:
- Bought short garden
hoses to save money and now rolls her eyes every time she
has to walk all that way around the house to get the
other hose to reach that last two square feet of her
garden.
- Has so much duct tape
around his old hose, it looks bionic… yet it still leaks.
- Bought a cheaper, lesser-duty hose, which kinks in four places every time it’s moved. Every. Single. Blessed. Time.
Lasagna Noodles: Every other kind of noodle goes on sale for far less than a buck a pound, but these never do. Are they still protected by a copyright, or something? We’ve alerted Congress to this conspiracy.
New York Steak and Snow Crab: We’ll prepare them to perfection, chew each tiny morsel carefully, and just let the tears fall.
An Article of Clothing… in our size, color, modern style(!) and has never been worn by another human being. (Then again, your tightwad will completely ruin a whole load of laundry, dumbfounded by the fact that colors leach out from new textiles.)
Soap: Sure, we make our own, but it’s such a pain working with caustic chemicals when the kids are around. ‘Sides, get the ratios off even a little bit and the homemade stuff smells like a dead animal no matter how much essential oil is in it.
Laundry Basket: You can bet we’re holding our old ones together with hot glue and baling wire.
Gourmet Baking Chocolate: Really, I have to explain this one?
A New Toilet Flapper: There’s a pile of rusted-out paper clips in the bottom of the tank, but the chain really isn’t the problem. The kids are amazed when they go to other people’s houses and don’t have to turn the water supply to the tank on and off when they use the facilities. Your cheap friend is in denial. You must help him.
Socks: You can tell a tightwad by his feet. Look for the tell-tale calluses on the heels and toes where the stitches from hasty sock repairs rub.
A Big, Steaming Pile of…: uh, composting manure. Tightwads go nuts over free fertilizer.
There you have it. I hope I’ve helped. I hear such sad, sad tales from piker pals about receiving jewelry, knick-knacks and (shudder) professional flower arrangements from well-meaning wastrels. Someone has to step in and help both sides to understand each other a little bit better.