Dear Valued Customer...
As you know from the very special sticker
on the envelope, this letter comes to you straight from the
Office of the President[‘s nameless warehouse
somewhere] in order to
extend to you our exclusive [to just about
anyone] credit card
offer.
An elite, sophisticated, good-looking person [who won’t get
this much faint praise at his/her own funeral] such as yourself knows what
you want and of course you deserve to have it now [and to pay
for it many times over for many years to
come]. Start charging
on our shiny new platinum/titanium/plutonium card and gain
the envious admiration of every one around you [who are
already maxxed out on their once-shiny cards from
us].
You’re preferred, pre-approved, validated in every way.
You’ve really arrived. You’re an amazing success! [Just don’t
bring this letter to your high school reunion, where you’ll
be laughed out of the room by everyone else waving
theirs.] Just fill out
the enclosed acceptance form, [and please ignore the
fine print about the binding arbitration by “neutral”
parties hired and paid by us] and you’ll be on your way [to crushing
debt that grows by leaps and bounds with our interest, fees
and penalties]!
Hurry! This offer ends soon [to be replaced by only
ten more just like it during the course of the
year]!